Joke of the day

[Kymery]

Hubby send this to me, thought i would share. Sure hope theres not a hidden message in there to be or he is sleeping outside!

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is'. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . 'Boy, go git cha Momma.'

[Rose]

I would make him sleep outside!

[horsephotographer]

NOW this is funny... yet so true girls..

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:

Routine...


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and Makes dessert.


(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:




(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....



(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:


(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....


(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

[horsephotographer]

Betty Crocker

• One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
  "Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
  "No," she said.
  A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.
  "Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
  "No," she said again.
  A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.
  "Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
  "No," she replied.
  A couple of days later he went on a business trip.
  When he came back he asked how things had been.
  "Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."
  "What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered.
  "All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him.
  "What did you do?" he asked. She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"

[Kymery]

I would make him sleep outside!

Ahahaha...I told him that! I warned him about Karma and payback!

[horsephotographer]

Ok..
I had to post a second joke of the day just sent to me from a great friend...


Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."



"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning ?"

''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "It's pronounced 'quiche’.”

[horsephotographer]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical .
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue?..?
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT

[horsephotographer]

Atheist and A Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[Clay_Shooter]

Guess I should of names this "Jokes (pl) of the day"

CHUCKLE..HEHE

[horsephotographer]

CHUCKLE..HEHE

Guess some think it is just there forum hehehehe....

I'm still laughing....

[Kymery]

Yeah...that's what I was saying UGHHHHH

[Rose]

CHUCKLE..HEHE

laughter is the best meds around.

[horsephotographer]

laughter is the best meds around.

Yes it is and this place keeps me in stitches daily.....
Love as many good jokes as possible....

[horsephotographer]

Near Death
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

[scarr]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The
father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They
were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together
again. The boy asked,
'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen
an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never
seen anything like
that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what
it is'. While the boy
and his father were watching with amazement, a
heavy old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular number
above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his
son . 'Boy, go git cha Momma.'

[Kymery]

silly boy...that is my original post!! you dupped my joke! ahahahaha

[horsephotographer]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The
father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They
were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together
again. The boy asked,
'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen
an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never
seen anything like
that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what
it is'. While the boy
and his father were watching with amazement, a
heavy old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular number
above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his
son . 'Boy, go git cha Momma.'

That was pricless Scarr..
I loved that joke thanks for sharing...

[Kymery]

Guess that happens when I am on ignore, that was my opening post!! brwaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Guess I should of been thanked for the humour first!!

DON'T get mad at me anyone...but you know that was funny!!!

[scarr]

silly boy...that is my original post!! you dupped my joke! ahahahaha

Sorry Kimmery! I thought I got it in email - I guess that what happens when U drink too many of thoes red plastic cups. My bad!

Did I steal this one from here?

Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there was a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman threw open the door and began to rant about the new employee. He complained that she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decided he should see this for himself, so the men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up that there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Kymery]

No...hubby sent it to me the other day so I thought i would start this post with it!! but sooooo funny...glad you shared or Horse would not of had the pleasure of the humour! it was definately a funny one! Glad she got to see it.
'

You must be tippin them back with me, I am tippin bacardi and cokes!