Joke of the day

[Kymery]

Hubby send this to me, thought i would share. Sure hope theres not a hidden message in there to be or he is sleeping outside!

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is'. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . 'Boy, go git cha Momma.'

[Rose]

I would make him sleep outside! :mad: :eek: :D

[horsephotographer]

NOW this is funny... yet so true girls..
:D
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.


When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:

Routine...


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and Makes dessert.


(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:




(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....



(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:


(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....


(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

[horsephotographer]

Betty Crocker
One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said.
A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.
"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said again.
A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.
"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she replied.
A couple of days later he went on a business trip.
When he came back he asked how things had been.
"Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."
"What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered.
"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him.
"What did you do?" he asked. She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"

[Kymery]

I would make him sleep outside! :mad: :eek: :D

Ahahaha...I told him that! I warned him about Karma and payback!:D

[horsephotographer]

Ok..
I had to post a second joke of the day just sent to me from a great friend...


:) Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."



"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning ?"

''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "It's pronounced 'quiche’.”

[horsephotographer]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical .
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue?..?
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
:D :D :D ;)

[horsephotographer]

Atheist and A Bear
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[Clay_Shooter]

Guess I should of names this "Jokes (pl) of the day"

CHUCKLE..HEHE

[horsephotographer]

CHUCKLE..HEHE
Guess some think it is just there forum hehehehe....
:) :) :)
I'm still laughing....

[Kymery]

Yeah...that's what I was saying UGHHHHH

[Rose]

CHUCKLE..HEHE


laughter is the best meds around.

[horsephotographer]

laughter is the best meds around.

Yes it is and this place keeps me in stitches daily.....
Love as many good jokes as possible....:D

[horsephotographer]

Near Death
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

[scarr]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The
father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They
were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together
again. The boy asked,
'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen
an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never
seen anything like
that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what
it is'. While the boy
and his father were watching with amazement, a
heavy old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular number
above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his
son . 'Boy, go git cha Momma.'

[Kymery]

silly boy...that is my original post!! you dupped my joke! ahahahaha

[horsephotographer]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The
father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They
were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together
again. The boy asked,
'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen
an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never
seen anything like
that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what
it is'. While the boy
and his father were watching with amazement, a
heavy old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular number
above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his
son . 'Boy, go git cha Momma.'


That was pricless Scarr..
I loved that joke thanks for sharing...:D

[Kymery]

Guess that happens when I am on ignore, that was my opening post!! brwaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Guess I should of been thanked for the humour first!!

DON'T get mad at me anyone...but you know that was funny!!!

[scarr]

silly boy...that is my original post!! you dupped my joke! ahahahaha

Sorry Kimmery! I thought I got it in email - I guess that what happens when U drink too many of thoes red plastic cups. My bad!

Did I steal this one from here?

Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there was a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman threw open the door and began to rant about the new employee. He complained that she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decided he should see this for himself, so the men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up that there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Kymery]

No...hubby sent it to me the other day so I thought i would start this post with it!! but sooooo funny...glad you shared or Horse would not of had the pleasure of the humour! it was definately a funny one! Glad she got to see it.
'

You must be tippin them back with me, I am tippin bacardi and cokes!

[horsephotographer]

Three Girls Meet the Fairy :D :D :D :D :D http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
"Crap!"

[Kymery]

Oh god...Scarr..that was soo funny! I just laughed so loud that Doug wondered what I was doing on here! I am sending this to him

Tickle me elmo scared me one night. I was trying a "get back with the hubby night" and our son was asleep and he must of rolled over on elmo and the laughing started and I swear we had someone in the home..scared me to death!! NO TICKLE ME ELMOS IN MY HOME ANYMORE

[horsephotographer]

Thom...
This one is for you...
I'm still wiping the tears from laughing soooo hard....
Chili Cook Off

Judge #3 (Frank) was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - Holy $@#&!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $@#&faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $@#& on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - (Frank) - No Report

[horsephotographer]

Today in celebration of the Laker's Game....;)


"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach.

"But's how's his scholastic work?"

"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.

"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."


No, but they gave one to me anyway. - L.A. Laker's rookie Elden Campbell when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it. Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.

[horsephotographer]

His Wife

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

[horsephotographer]

Thia is a hoot....


:) Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

[horsephotographer]

Cat Goes to Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
:D :D

[horsephotographer]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,

the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra
do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs'

[horsephotographer]

Garfield on the oil crisis http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ApKLXWG4Sj6jSM:http://www.stomptokyo.com/reelopinions/images/Garfield2%25202.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.stomptokyo.com/reelopinions/images/Garfield2%25202.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.stomptokyo.com/reelopinions/2006_06_01_archive.html&h=283&w=360&sz=96&hl=en&start=128&sig2=Y42P3Tv5pRpcviQt5H293g&um=1&tbnid=ApKLXWG4Sj6jSM:&tbnh=95&tbnw=121&ei=ZjJZSNvmN6P0pgTFufSwBg&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgarfield%2Bthe%2Bcat%26start%3D126%26 ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4ADBF_enUS2 75US277%26sa%3DN)


A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas ~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO?...Didn't think So.

[honkytonkangel]

The 2008 LAKERS!!! Hahahaha!!!

[Kymery]

The 2008 LAKERS!!! Hahahaha!!!

Now THAT is a JOKE OF THE DAY!!

[honkytonkangel]

Thank you, thank you...I'll be here all week....;)

[scarr]

Thom...
This one is for you...
I'm still wiping the tears from laughing soooo hard....
Chili Cook Off

Judge #3 (Frank) was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
...

Hillarious!!!

[scarr]

The 2008 LAKERS!!! Hahahaha!!!

Now THAT is a JOKE OF THE DAY!!

The big purple compost heap was swept out of the garden!

[horsephotographer]

Hillarious!!!
Thank's Scarr I thought it was also...:D

[horsephotographer]

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat.

The man said, climbing back up to the bar, "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied, "you're in HORSE country." :eek:

[horsephotographer]

Confucius Say...:D



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[horsephotographer]

After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, 'Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap Apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a little 10-inch Black and White TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old chick !

Now I have a $500,000 Home, A $45,000 Car, nice big bed, and a plasma
screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old Woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
19-year old chick, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't Older Women great?
They really know how to solve your Mid-Life Crisis !:D :D

[scarr]

Women are just too powerful! I'd rather be living in the caveman days :p

[horsephotographer]

Women are just too powerful! I'd rather be living in the caveman days :p
Too funny.....
You seem very wise....:)

[scarr]

A True Story from the Jacksonville , Fl., Police Dept.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to t ell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.


True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

[scarr]

http://www.killsometime.com/pictures/images/Pic1213.jpg

[horsephotographer]

I was just emailed this..:D

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
Intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as
Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and
Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt' you can correct
them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[horsephotographer]

http://www.killsometime.com/pictures/images/Pic1213.jpg
I could see this at stagecoach....
I wonder how many spots it would take..lol:D

[scarr]

Two women in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that m y husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all th e beds .
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[scarr]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

[TheMommie]

OK just got this one in an email from a high school friend I just recently reconnected with. For some reason I thought you guys would enjoy it.


Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'



I just know you're laughing!

You're gonna send it on - aren't you?

[Cooter]

Q: What is more boring, watching grass grow or watching paint dry?









A: this message board(it was a trick question).

[Kymery]

Q: What is more boring, watching grass grow or watching paint dry?



A: this message board(it was a trick question).

Well, Cooter, step right up and make it exciting for us...I know you can do that. Just wait till November when they announce more info...maybe it will be "more exciting".

[horsephotographer]

Haaaaa....
Finally a little spark from sparky oh I meant Cooter.....lol:p

[Rose]

I agree Cooter, this board is boring right now....we need more participants....lurkers sign up...announce the 09 Stagecoach line-up and watch the sparks fly (come on Goldenvoice)

[scarr]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.


My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O' , and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.


Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[scarr]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in
their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the
6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started
cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in
approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When
we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something
with ass' - The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and
asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,
he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.' -- WHACK! He flies out of his chair,
tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs
upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in
his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for
breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers,
'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

[festivalfan]

OMG scarr!!! that is hilarius!! I fell off the chair in laughter!! I quickly printed it off and circulated it throughout my office. I could hear roaring laughter as it made itw way to everyones office!!! This is great!!!!

[schradog]

When Senator Obama throws a rally, 40,000 to 50,000 supporters show up.

When Senator McCain throws a rally, 10,000 to 15,000 supporters show up.


That is because all of McCains supporters are at work!!!

[Kymery]

When Senator Obama throws a rally, 40,000 to 50,000 supporters show up.

When Senator McCain throws a rally, 10,000 to 15,000 supporters show up.


That is because all of McCains supporters are at work!!!

LOVE IT!!! :D

[GeorgeStraitfan1]

OMG scarr!!! that is hilarius!! I fell off the chair in laughter!! I quickly printed it off and circulated it throughout my office. I could hear roaring laughter as it made itw way to everyones office!!! This is great!!!!

JUST ABOUT DIED! That joke is so funny! I'm printing it up and posting it up on the fridge!